My Diagnosis Of MS

“The orange rolled under the carburetor with a fork inside of it,” is what the doctor may as well have said on the day she pointed out the lesions in my brain from my MRI. I’m sure I remember very little of what she told me. Other days, I’m sure I remember every single word of that painful conversation. As a nursing major, I absolutely love science. I’m consumed by it daily and I’m fascinated. I love understanding how the heart pumps blood to the body, how our muscles contract to move us forward, how the brain sends thousands upon thousands of messages daily to keep us alive, etc. Its enthralling to me. After all, I’m the girl that identifies the blood pressure cuff by its proper name, the sphygmomanometer. ;) However, on the day of my diagnosis nothing seemed certain or understandable to me. 

Last month, I was diagnosed with a demyelinating disease called Multiple Sclerosis (MS). The process of confirming the diagnosis and my type of MS is only at the beginning stages. I want to explain briefly what Multiple Sclerosis does in the human body. Our bodies have nerves that send messages from the brain to the body and from the body to the brain. They have been given a protective outer covering called the myelin sheath. For reasons unknown, my body identifies the myelin in my brain as a foreign invader. Because of this error, it attacks the myelin. This attack causes inflammation and damage throughout the brain, disrupting the communication system. This happened first to the myelin surrounding my optic nerve. I woke up barely able to see out of my right eye. My first course of treatment reduced the inflammation and my vision is almost 100% in my right eye once again. A few days later my legs started stiffening on their own and sharp pain radiated all throughout my spine. Symptoms vary greatly from person to person and there is no cure for this disease right now. 

I have been overwhelmed to tears by the kindness of everyone in my life. I feel frustrated at my inability to put my thankfulness into words that would match the magnitude to which I feel thankful. “Thank you,” seems so small. It is beautiful how a community of family and friends comes together as one team when someone is hurting. Conversely, I’ve noticed how uncomfortable people are with emotions. I’m consistently asked how I am doing. I’m delighted to be on their mind but nervous that I will disappoint them. Their eyes are beaming eagerly in anticipation that I will say, “Fantastic!” They seem deflated when I say, “not great” or “its hard,” etc. They want me to be doing better, feeling great, cartwheeling around Columbia, etc. There are many days when I do feel that way! There are also the bad days. Both types of days are equally necessary and valuable. It is hard for us to remember that bad days are vital. It is hard for us to accept the rough seasons. When I’m honest and say that I’m having a bad day, people typically grow longwinded in their attempt to convince me to feel another emotion. I grew tired of this, honestly. Sometimes, to make things easier for myself and for others, I say that things are great when they aren’t. When I respond deceptively in this way, I’m praised and rewarded for being strong and loving the Lord. Which answer was stronger? Can I not be equally strong and equally in love with the Lord during any emotion? Can I not be honest with the Lord and call out to him in my distress and remain close as his daughter? Through this trial, I’ve learned what it means to be strong in my weakness. (2 Corinthians 12) When I admit to God and others how I am truly feeling, I feel the most strength. When I acknowledge my weakness, doubt, frustrating, pain, etc. to the Lord, he listens, encourages, strengthens, etc. I think it was one of those “Jenga!” kind of moments for me. I can finally understand what it means to have strength in weakness. There is a beautiful genuineness when you can be honest about how you’re feeling. I think this applies to our community as well. What if when we were honest with each another about our bad days, our community could come together to strengthen that person? We don’t have to make them feel happy instead. We don’t have to explain reasons why they no longer have to be sad. We could just come together. 

I think the real root of this issue is a lack of appreciation for the season of grief. Who hasn’t struggled to appreciate the bad days a time or two? There will be a time when God will use this disease to help me be a better nurse to my patients. There will be a time when the shock of this news doesn’t seem so fresh. I cannot wait for that time to arrive! My mind is confident that God is good and that these times will arrive. Ecclesiastes 3 tells us there is a time for everything including weeping, mourning, and searching. Right now is my time to seek answers, cry, and let myself process and verbalize my real emotions. It is healthy, necessary, and needed for me to have this time. Ecclesiastes 3 goes on to say, “He has made everything beautiful in its time.” God is using this time in my life. Eventually it will be my time to dance. It will be the most glorious and uncoordinated dance of my life! Eventually it will be my time to laugh. It will be the most uninhibited laugh you’ve ever heard! Can you imagine how anticlimactic and measly my dancing and laughing would be had I never experienced a bad day? 

Throughout my summers growing up on a cul-de-sac, I got to hear the beautiful music composed by our local ice cream truck. Upon hearing this musical masterpiece, the neighborhood kids and I would quickly gather our parent’s money and run towards the sound. Sometimes we couldn’t run or collect money fast enough and the ice cream truck was gone. Sometimes the driver would see a dozen of us running towards him and we would get the world’s best ice cream and snow cones! Our brains would freeze, our tongues would change color, and our hearts would revel at the win of the day. We would strut around the neighborhood with such confidence for hours. Why? Because we knew what it was like to miss the ice cream truck. We knew what it was like to be completely set on a win and be devastated by a loss. Our celebrations were massive because our time of joy was seen through the lens of our times of trials past. How much more valuable are our times of dancing and laughing when we think back on all of the things God has brought us through and delivered us from. I experience a dozen emotions a day. Sometimes positive and sometimes negative. I’m thankful for every single emotion because I know what it’s like to miss the ice cream truck. So, I want to be honest in my emotions, good or bad. I want to be transparent about the struggle and/or win of the day. I want to be the wife that can dance at the achievements of her husband. I want to be the friend that can listen patiently to the heartbreaks of her besties. I want to be the nurse that cries with her patients on diagnosis day and runs laps around the halls on recovery days. In order for me to be this person, I must appreciate and experience all of the ‘times’ that God gives us. We can no longer inhibit each other from what God is enabling us to feel. God is using each season in our lives. A day is coming soon when our brains will freeze, our tongues will change color, and our hearts will revel at the win of the day. 

The Pain of Prayer

A pang of grief and weakness swell over my puffy red eyes. My dry hands fold in with tiredness from being held open towards God. My throat, radiating the desire of thirst, begs to rest. My voice is unintelligible to human ears; its tone laced with frustration, confusion, and exhaustion. For the first time since much time has passed, I've allowed myself to pray for my brother's healing. To be in a stage of waiting and wondering can be a ripe moment of torture and of bliss. I find myself relating to David as he calls out in Psalm 69:1-3,

"Save me, O God! For the waters have come up to my neck. I sink in deep mire, where there is no foothold; I have come into deep waters, and the flood sweeps over me. I am weary with my crying out; my throat is parched. My eyes grow dim with waiting for my God."

A couple of months ago, I had this experience of prayer in the living room of my house. My phone was silenced in another room, I was alone, and outside the rain poured softly. A youtube video was sent to me describing the healing of a young boy with a rare illness. My heart felt vulnerable and before I knew it I was calling out to God through waves of tears. At first, I praised God for the sweet moments my brother and I have shared in learning about the solar system and completing the summer reading challenge. With what felt like the same breath, I questioned God on his decision making. I doubted God...his existence, his love for me, his ability to provide, etc. I sang to God, in shameful relinquishment, reminding myself of the times I know he has unceasingly provided for me and loved me.

Honestly and shyly, I will tell you that I had stopped praying for my brother. Still, I was one of his biggest activists. Still, I sought to see him grow and played my role in that growth in whatever way I could. Still, my heart was warmed with love for him. Yet, that warmth ran cold when it came to discussing my hurts with God. People have both blindly promised Ryan's healing to me and discussed impolitely my need to consider that it may never happen at all. Both perspectives have been discouraging to me at times. I felt guilty if I wasn't confident of his healing and I felt guilty if I was too confident of it. Being uncomfortable at each extreme, I had drifted into the decision to stop praying for healing all together. There was never a definitive moment when I declared this change of heart. Rather, it was a slow and very subtle change in direction; this change went unnoticed until I was completely broken down in my house, alone, on a rainy November afternoon.

Have you ever seen an infant try to speak? Their concentrated eyes are compelling, their breathing is slowed and controlled, their eyebrows tighten, and their tiny minds race to discover how to turn thoughts to words. It is one of the greatest challenges they've experienced in their short lifetimes. It is a skill unmastered. The reward; however, is beautiful. With all the strength within them they speak out, "dada" or "mama." Or, "banker"...I'm convinced that was my brother's first word. Now, have you ever seen a parent reacting to their babies first words? They are completely undignified in their excitement. Thrilled and proud beyond measure of their baby girl or baby boy. Parents are elated with not only that first word but the promise of what that word means. The promise of deeper and deeper communication that lies ahead, the promise of growth in their sweet loved one, the promise of relationship.

I began to pray again that afternoon. As my mouth began to speak the thoughts I had held back for many years, my heart simultaneously rioted to keep these thoughts private. It was absolutely the most difficult conversation I have had with God. Like an infant learning to speak, I felt so concentrated and stunned by my new challenge. To start that conversation with God felt so painful; however, that's not how it ended. By the time I finished praying, my cheeks were red and my eyes stung but I felt undone and that was beautiful to me. I finally felt freed from the burden of hiding my pain from God. I like to imagine that God looked at me in that painful moment of a new beginning like a parent looks at their infant after speaking their first word. That conversation I had with God on a November afternoon, created treasured promises. A promise of deeper communication, growth, and relationship.

In Psalm 69, David cried out in anguish. He felt like he was drowning. He painfully shared his thoughts with God and he, too, became beautifully undone. He calls out, "The Lord hears the needy and does not despise his captive people. Let heaven and earth praise him.."  

The Uncommon Fire

"So Moses thought, 'I will go over and see this strange sight—why the bush does not burn up.' " Exodus 3:3


Ah, the story of the burning bush. Fires were not uncommon during biblical times. The fire itself was not a strange sight to Moses. It was the fact that the bush wasn't burning up. Can you imagine what that may have looked like? Can you imagine driving past a house fully in tact with every inch of the house engulfed with flames? My guess is that if I saw that house I would stop, like Moses, and study the strange sight. 


As we read more of this story, we see Moses respond as he learns that God is the fire that doesn't burn up the bush. Lets think about a common fire. These are the types of fires that illuminate forests and leave behind a string of smoke as it floats off the remnants of the beauty that used to stand there. These are the types of fires that have the ability to transform a green and vibrant tree into a pile of blackness, in a matter of seconds. These are the types of fires that remind those watching of the power of their deep red and orange flames. 

There are also fires that burn us up from the inside out. Fires like lust, rage, and greed; these passions can entirely consume us and destroy the people that we used to be as well as the goals and hopes we used to have. Similar to physical fires, destruction can take place in the blink of an eye. "God is the only fire that can consume an object without completely destroying it." I read that quote a couple of weeks ago and it had my mind reeling in so many different directions as I thought about the fire of God compared to the fire of man. Lust enters with a quick glance. Suddenly, thoughts start to change and boundaries begin to shift. Eventually, as you keep fueling this fire, ultimate destruction happens. This destruction could mean the end of a marriage, wounds from abuse, or the choice of abortion. A fire that lasts seconds means years of rebuilding and counseling.

In contrast, the fire of God completely covers but leaves the person in tact. How beautiful! All of those passions like lust and rage feed off of us. Have you ever just been tired of being angry or tired of trying to present yourself in a certain way? It can be the most draining experience! It is a fire that depletes us of strength and fight. God; however, is the fire that replenishes us! The fire that makes the ground we stand on solid! The fire that lifts us up when someone knocks us down. Instead of being drained in his presence, I find myself craving time with him when I feel drained. I go to him and he fills me up. I go to rage and it rips me apart. This teaches something that is really important. God is the fire that doesn't demand something of us. In fact, he lavishes promise after promise upon us! If I choose to not be angry then I prevent myself from being given over to the passion of rage. As difficult and as tempting as life can be we still have the ability to make a choice. We have the ability to surround ourselves in the fire of God. It is a fire that will completely cover you, will never destroy you, and will never begin to feed off of you. Another beautiful thing about the fire of God is that nothing can come close to it! Remember as Moses got closer to the bush, the Lord told him to not come any closer because he was on holy ground. If we find ourselves resting in the presence of God then those passions like lust, greed, or rage cannot get close to you. Temptations will come and mistakes will happen but every time we find ourselves abandoned and left in the rubble of a fire that used us, we will always have the option of turning to God so that he can start to put the pieces back together. That is a fire and strange sight that we can find ourselves studying and observing for the rest of our lives!

An Anxious Heart Revised

If only I could see where God would lead me in the six months following my last blog post. Reading it over again I see God at work all through this past December preparing my heart for the things to come. I was forced to look over my words which, at the time, were written with full belief and conviction. Reading over them a second time six months later it is as if I am reading the words of someone else. The past several months have been filled with great love, revelation, and excitement most of which have come out of great panic, stress, and worry. At age ten I experienced my first panic attack. I would find myself nearly a decade later experiencing them again during my freshman year of college.
I know what it means to love God with all of your strength. For me, it has meant loving God when my world is falling apart and choosing to see joy in him when my eyes sting from tears from the day before. There is one specific night that I call to my mind when I see how sometimes it takes great strength to love. A few months ago at the height of my anxiety I found myself suddenly awake in the middle of the night with panic. The days before were filled with stress and worry. I ran out of my dorm to the end of my hall where I threw up in the bathroom for what felt like forever. It was a combination of fear and exhaustion. All the while, Satan is pouring lies upon lies on me while I try to cling to the promises of God. Waking up the next morning preparing for my 8am class was a day I had to choose to love God with all my strength. It took everything inside of me to say yes to the call of God to live that day with purpose and joy. I must admit; however, there were days I said no. Sometimes we must choose God even when we don't feel him. The beauty of choosing when we don't feel is that his faithfulness to us always ignites a believing heart in us once again.
There have been many exciting things that God is revealing to my heart and six months worth of highs and lows that I wish to write about. I felt that it was important to re-visit the topic of anxiety and share more of my freedom in this area as well as sharing more of my struggle.
After the height of panic attacks that woke me up from sleep there was a still. A stillness that I praised the Lord for. It was a season of mending and growing. I've finished my first year of college and now I am home for a break I longed for all second semester. The still ended a week or so again when I had another panic attack. Unexpected as I suppose they all are but this one was different. I felt this darkness around me and I just heard Satan telling me lie after lie. Telling me that God wouldn't use my life or my story. Telling me that I couldn't even be sure of my salvation and that I had lied about everything I'd been freed from. Now, you must understand the irony of this lie. I attend a Bible school where I spent the last year of my life learning verse and verse and hearing dozens of stories of people who found assurance of their security in Christ. I knew the verses and I hadn't ever struggled in this specific way before. It was completely out of no where and somehow all of those verses slipped my mind. The night ended in a rattled heart and mind and a spirit that seemed to lack the strength it once had. Two nights later I was reading in Job and God renewed my strength again. Job 1: 12 says "The Lord said to Satan, “Very well, then, everything he [Job] has is in your power, but on the man himself do not lay a finger.” Suddenly, I felt the Lord speaking to me very personally. He was reminding me how little Satan's power is. I am safely resting in the presence of the Lord and I am; therefore, untouchable by Satan. Satan may hold the small things that I have but over me personally he holds no control. His power is already lost. I had this visual and hope in the fact that Job was being held by the creator even when he lost his servants, his property, and his family. He felt the world crumbling around him but he was held still and safely by the hand of the Lord. The same is true for all of God's children. Now when that darkness enters or I am hit with a lie I hear the voice of the Lord saying, "on the women herself you do not lay a finger." 
My hope and prayer is that this verse strikes you in a different way today. Especially if fear or anxiety is your struggle as well. This is an area that God is still working to heal me in. He is so patient and gentle. My addition onto my last post would be to love God even if it means loving him with all your strength. Once you're depleted something beautiful happens. The Lord takes over and we stand victorious because of his power. Additionally, sometimes we are taken to those depleted states because once we are victorious we can't help but give all of the praise and glory to him. Anxiety was definitely a struggle for me when I wrote my last post but it had never overcome me like it has before. Now, through the power of Christ I can stand confident in standing by my words written six months ago. God never changed from that post until this one but, oh my goodness, has my view of him!

An Anxious Heart

    40 million adults in the United States have been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder, making it the most common mental illness in our country. That is 18% of our entire population! Talk about a huge capitalization and market range for Satan to begin his work! It is the man trying to bury himself in a newspaper while riding a metro. It is the woman crying from her desk because she is so overwhelmed. It is the child slitting their wrists in the school bathroom. It is 40 million of our brothers and sisters. It is even the writer of this blog. While there are people who probably are in need of medication and treatment, I believe that my anxiety is an issue of the heart not a depravation or imbalance of any chemical. I believe that my anxiety is a sin and not a condition. Maybe you will be able to relate.

    Our society has gone to great lengths to convince us that every struggle or trial, resulting in anxiety, is a condition that needs to be managed. Because we live in a sinful world there will always be things we can choose to be anxious about. In contrast, because God never changes and is always good there will be things that we can choose to rejoice over. So, lets play a round of ‘sin or condition?’. If you choose condition you will have to carry the weight of your anxiety. You will have to figure out how to manage it all on your own, day in and day out. You will be dependent on your own abilities. For the rest of your life you will live in fear and frustration in trying to deal with this issue finding yourself always falling short. Now, lets say that you decide to go with sin instead. If anxiety is a sin in your life then Jesus has already paid for it. Instead of working to manage and treat it like a condition, you can destroy it because Christ has overcome sin! You can turn to the hope and peace in God’s word on days that seem to be more difficult. For the rest of your life you will have the victory, the peace, the security, and the freedom because of the work of your savior. You can choose how you will respond to life’s hardships. You can choose to look at your circumstances in light of your own abilities or in light of the work that Jesus has finished. “Some people think anxiety is a condition to be managed but it is really a sin to be repentant of.”

    I don’t want to make this seem like an easy thing to conquer. If you struggle with being anxious, and we all do in certain times in our lives, then you need to know that it will be a challenge. It will be a temptation to pick up the weight again. This hits me right in the heart. I had convinced myself that my trials and my pain had given me the right to be anxious. I believed that my anxiety was a condition. It is something that I will need to be habitually repentant of. This doesn’t mean abusing God’s grace as an excuse to fall back into sin. It means that in temptation and in trials I will fall short of what I am supposed to do but I can maintain hope because our God is merciful. It means that I will live a life striving after God knowing that when I stray I can turn back to him in a state of forgiveness. Habitual repentance is not an excuse to sin. Rather, it is a humility and confidence in Christ. Start by reminding yourself that you are undeserving and incredibly small, and when temptation starts remind Satan that inside of you is his own defeat because of Christ’s work. I encourage you to spend some time with Christ on this issue. Read through Philippians 4:4-13 (see below) and allow God to convict your heart, challenge you to greater things, and grant you a life of peace in him. Read through it several times and focus on each verse specifically. God will speak to you! Drop self pity, anxiety, fear and run to him in repentance.

Philippians 4:4-13  4 Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! 5 Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. 6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. 8 Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. 9 Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you. 10 I rejoiced greatly in the Lord that at last you renewed your concern for me. Indeed, you were concerned, but you had no opportunity to show it. 11 I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. 12 I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. 13 I can do all this through him who gives me strength.

Return to me, Beloved.

As humans, we are so quick to claim everything as our own. We get so caught up in feeling sorry for ourselves that we forget the redemption we were given at the cross!

God sends us his son to die. We complain about going through trials.

Jesus takes on all of our sin so that we can experience freedom. We complain about not having the right job.

God promises us redemption and new life! We get complacent in growing to know Him.

God delivers us from a season of hardship! We get prideful and call the healing our own and forget our need for him.

How quickly I forget what was done, what is being done, and what is promised for those who are faithful to God. What a blessing it is that we serve a God who is continually waiting for our return. Joel 2:13 encourages us to “Return to the Lord your God, for he is gracious and compassionate.” Praise God!

I fall into sin and he whispers, “Return to me, Beloved.” I get prideful and he whispers, “Return to me, Beloved.” I stop trusting him and he whispers, “Return to me, Beloved.” I fear the future and he whispers, “Return to me, Beloved.” I surrender my will, my fears, my doubts, and my insecurities to Him and he whispers, “I’ve missed you, Beloved.” What beauty there is in knowing that he will waiting for us always.

In our pride we can demand God to deliver us out of hardship and not want to give up anything ourselves. In order for God to bless you, his child, you have to act! In order for you to feel at peace in your current situation you have to turn to Him. He would fight for you if you would be faithful to Him. He would forgive you if you would humble yourself to Him. He would overwhelm you with His love if you would seek Him wholeheartedly. He will! Would you? He is waiting! Would you make the necessary changes to seek him and put the world aside? I think if you would listen you would hear his whisper, “Return to me, Beloved.”

Can't You Just Be With Me?

    Let me invite you to join in a scene that is taking place in my head as I type. Imagine a couple on their wedding anniversary enjoying a candlelit dinner in the town’s nicest restaurant. They don’t need music or entertainment; the pure enjoyment of each others company is enough to occupy the evening. There is no denying her love for him nor denying his love for her. Now, imagine the beautiful young bride looks to her groom and says, “I’ve really enjoyed this time with you but I have another date to go to in about 30 minutes.” He replies, “What?” She reassures him that “You are still my favorite and my number one but when this is over I am going to go out on another date.” Now, I would like you to come up with your own most creative response on the groom’s side; however, I have no doubt that all of your imagined responses go something like “I don’t think so.”

    How many times do we treat Christ like the bride treated her groom? Just like the groom would not have been okay with his new wife making him one of many men in her life, Christ is NOT okay with us making him one of many in our lives. How insulting to the creator of all things! Sometimes there can be no denying our love for Christ. When people look at our lives and our actions they could see someone who desperately wants to glorify God; however, if they really looked at your heart they might see that it does, in fact, have a section devoted to Christ along with another section devoted to money, a third section devoted to our careers, and a fourth section devoted to strongholds, etc. How does your heart really look? Does it make God one of many things in your life? Or maybe God is at the top of your heart but you still can’t let go of the rest. Or maybe you could say with absolute confidence that all of who you are and your entire heart belongs to Christ. You see, God doesn’t want to be one of many things in your life. Nor does he even want to be your number one in a list of things and people you love and hold onto. He wants to be everything in your life. He wants you to give up every worldly possession, relationship, and habit. He wants all of your heart. He created you to live for Him. He created you to carry His name in all that you do. It’s interesting how He created us to be His and we can struggle to find time to fit Him in each day of our busy lives.

    Would you take a minute and consider what your heart really looks like? How deeply would your heart reflect your love for Christ? What does your heart say about you? I imagine that, like many Christians, you have some readjusting to do. Would you really let go if he asked you to give until it hurt? Or, would you look at him and say, “I love you. You are my number one. You are still my favorite but I’m going to hold onto this part of my life too.” I think it is time to pause every part of your life that doesn’t glorify God and ask God to occupy your whole heart. Christ is asking you right now, “Can’t you just be with me?”

Yes, you may call me nostalgic.

A few weeks ago I ventured into my room for a seriously late spring cleaning. I decided I was finally going to go through all of my “stuff” that was no longer vital to my survival that I keep. It was not until I actually went to get rid of everything that I realized exactly how nostalgic I am as a person. I have a drawer in my room filled will napkins from Disney restaurants, receipts from tourist stores in other parts of the country, business cards from local professionals I spoke to once, and letters with pictures of cute children that I don’t have a clue how I’m related to. I am an organized person; however, I have become a genius at neatly arranging a lot of junk that I seem to cling to. Somehow I feel that the multi-billion dollar Disney industry will suffer if I don’t keep all of their restaurant napkins. I think that the local professionals will regret giving me their business card if I throw it away. I especially have a hard time throwing away a picture of a child that someone obviously loved enough to send to my family. I lock text messages that make me smile. I tape notes and pictures on every inch of my wall. I keep small pieces of treasure that amount to absolutely nothing. I am nostalgic.
    I’ve recently realized that these nostalgic tendencies not only affect the cleanliness of my room but the freeness of my heart (corny, I know.) I cling to past hurts and experiences thinking that it is best for me to protect myself from future hurt. If I am being honest with all of you holding onto these experiences is as if I’m saying “God, I love you BUT I’m not sure you can handle this better than I can. I don’t think I will give these parts of my life to you because I don’t believe that I can absolutely trust you in every situation.” While I will probably always be a nostalgic person holding onto notes, posters, and magazine cutouts, I refuse to be the person that desperately holds onto the past. I am in absolute awe in all of the healing my savior has done in my life. I had to let go of those things in order to achieve liberty in Him. I think it is a large part of our natural defense mechanism to hang onto things of the past to protect us from those things in the future, but I wonder if in doing so we miss out on something so much greater that God has for us. God is in the business of redeeming every part of your life and binding up your heart from past hurts. It is actually one of His jobs! (Isaiah 61:1) I want to encourage all of you to join me in surrendering every part of your life to Him. Maybe it is something so big you are going to have to surrender five times every hour. Maybe it is something you’ve always felt like you have dealt with but realize you still hold onto. Maybe you know someone struggling with this that you could encourage. “Seventy years are given to us! Some even live to eighty. But even the best years are filled with pain and trouble; soon they disappear, and we fly away.” Psalm 90:10 (NLT) Soon the troubles that you cling to will disappear and you will be free to fly away. This starts by acknowledging that God is healer and deserves every part of your life. Until the day we fly away I ask that you would continually be a servant after God’s own heart, surrendering everything, and living every day under the direct influence of the Holy Spirit.

Scared to Stillness

     Let me start by saying that I am truly blessed with an incredible family. Unfortunately, we all find far too much joy in trying to scare the life out of each other. I can remember a time when my aunt Sandy got an ingenious idea for a way to scare me and my cousin, Star, while we were having a scary movie marathon. Star and I were innocently sitting on the couch watching our third or fourth scary movie at the darkest hours of the night, when my aunt comes in all bright eyed with excitement announcing that she was going to bed and loved us very much. (yes, her excitement to tell us she was going to sleep should have been clue number one; however, it remained undetected) She then made a point to announce to us that she was locking the door so that no unwanted visitor could come in. (Yes, her attention to this very important detail, as you will find later in the story, should have been clue number two; however, it remained undetected as well) About fifteen minutes into our movie we hear the door creak open. (You may have guessed that my aunt is the one slowly pushing the door open in attempt to make our hearts stop beating temporarily) Star and I look at each other in deep fear, looked at the door in greater fear, and then looked back at each other; but we quickly brushed it off, reassuring each other that it was all in our heads and that no unwanted visitor was really making his way in. (Hang in there readers, I assure you this has a point) We ignored the noise and continued watching our movie when the door opened even further and we could no longer ignore the fact that something or someone was making their way into the house. Despite the fact that Star and I both knew something was undoubtably happening we just stared at the door. Now, I’ve always had the utmost confidence in my ability to run, hide, or defend myself in the event that something would happen; however, when something actually was happening I just sat there and watched. I can only imagine how disappointed my aunt must have been that our reaction was so uneventful. She had developed this awesome plan to scare us and all we did was stare with mouths open and wide-eyes waiting patiently for our impending doom.

    You know, I think that maybe our relationships with God are a lot like this story. I believe that God is constantly communicating with you and trying to reach out to you. I also believe that, just like star and I brushed off my aunts entrance into the house, a lot of us just brush off what God is telling us to do by saying “its only in our heads” or “thats not really what He is calling me to do.” Meanwhile, God continues to reach out just as my aunt continued to push the door open. He is desperately waiting to hear from you like my aunt was desperately waiting for a reaction out of us! I don’t know about you but I would hate to think I lived my whole life staring God directly in the face doing absolutely nothing while he was telling me, “React! Emily! Do....something!!!” Just like my aunt went out of her way to develop this plan to scare us, God is going out of his way to develop a plan to use you. Would you make a promise to God that you will react when he says move? Would you live your life freely for Him while actively listening to what He is telling you to do? Would you believe in His voice and see his immeasurably awesome promise behind every challenge? Would you cry out like Samuel, “Speak, Lord, for your servant is listening.”? I pray that you will. Don’t stare with mouths open and wide eyes as God is telling you to do something big! He obviously thinks you are so much more than capable to be used by Him. Don’t miss out. Listen. Respond. Do....something!

Through His Eyes

I know it has been almost one month since my last blog but I haven't forgotten about it nor have I stopped my Relentless Pursuit for my savior! I would like to share with all of you my senior exhibition of mastery final product. I decided to re-tell the Bible through Photography and this is a video showcasing all of my pieces up to this point. My deepest prayer is that these images resonant with you in some way and that you are reminded of your Creator and not just His creation. Here is the Youtube link! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xyDkGM9yvSE

And, so, I cried with Jesus...

Okay, so I’m about to be a little bit more raw than I’m used to on here. I am pretty much the exact opposite of a girl when you think of us in terms of tears. That girl sobbing during a romantic comedy? Not me. That girl wailing when she finds an especially reaching part of a fiction novel? Not me. That girl making a variety of highly unattractive noises and faces in attempt to hold in the tears? Almost entirely and accurately describes who I am. I cannot fully explain to you, my willing readers, how much I despise crying. God definitely as a sense of humor because, ironically, a high majority of my close friends cry frequently and have quite often been crying in unison around me. It is important for you to fully comprehend my deep hatred of tears, so that you can better understand how humbling it was for me to cry this past week with Jesus. I have laughed with him. I have sung praises to Him. I have served Him. I have been mad at Him. I have ignored Him. I have fallen to my knees in surrender of Him. My relationship with Him has taken me to all sorts of crazy emotions; however, I have never cried with Jesus. Never.

This past week I was thrown for a loop and found my relationship with Christ at a different place than it has ever been before. God spoke to me through these Matthew West lyrics, “I’ve been waiting for you for all this time. Been hoping you’d wait for me and the lesson I’ve learned is love always returns when its true. I’m so glad I waited for you.” At the end of this song when this part was sung again I just started sobbing. I couldn’t hold it in no matter how hard I tried. I felt Him holding me in his arms telling me He was waiting for me. He was waiting on me to realize that he has always been waiting on me with open arms. It was God’s love song to me. It is His love song to you. His declaration no matter where you are or how you are feeling that “I AM WAITING FOR YOU!!!!!” He has been waiting for you. Not only that, He is so glad that he waited on you because, my dear, you are beloved.

I encourage you to remember 2nd Corinthians 12: 9-10, “‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power my rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” His power is made perfect when we are lost, stressed, broken, and hurt. For when we are weak, he inhabits our lives and makes us strong. He is waiting to inhabit your life and to make you strong in Him.

Captivity

A few blogs ago I told you all about my journey towards healing from parts of my past that hold me captive. It is still a process that I am involved in and I will probably be for a long time. I find that the more I have been in conversation with God about my captivity, the more he has taught me about the captivity of others. The more I ask him to heal me from my own bondage, the more he has introduced people to my life that could benefit from the same kind of healing. Captivity can come in so many forms and can often times have a hold over us without even knowing it! Here are a few of the areas of captivity that I have experienced.

Captive to our own hearts
We can be held captive to our own hearts. Have you ever been told to trust your heart? There are songs about it, cliche movie lines involving it, entertaining wikipedia articles on it, and science “proven” research that tells us to go with our heart every time we make a decision. That is one of the easiest areas of captivity that we can find ourselves in. We desire to follow our own will and go with our hearts more than we desire God’s will for us sometimes. Jeremiah 17:9 says “the heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure.” Deceitful above ALL things! Our hearts can bring us into sin, hold us in painful situations, and desperately want all the wrong things for our lives. It can be so easy to go with what we feel is right than to really commune with God about our decisions. Be careful of being held captive by Satan’s lies and the lies of the world about trusting your heart!

Captive to Complacency
We can be held captive when we are in a state of complacency. I think one of the most dangerous times of our walk with God occurs when we feel content and get complacent with where we stand spiritually. Complacency is often over looked because, well, at the time, we’re being complacent. How scary is it to think that we could at any point in our walk with God feel content to stop and not encouraged to keep going? I have found myself skipping out on daily quiet time. I have found myself doubting God’s ability to move in the time I spend with Him. I have found myself feeling content in my relationship with God and that scares me to no end! Think of the time you’ve felt the closest to God. Now, imagine your relationship with God being even greater than that every single day. That could happen for us which is why being complacent is so scary! What could we be missing out on when we decide to pause in our relationship with God?

Captive to Disobedience
We can be held captive to disobedience. In Isaiah 48:18 God says “If only you had paid attention to my commands, your peace would have been like a river, your righteousness like the waves of the sea.” They were held captive to their own plans and their own commands and they ended up missing out on God’s peace. They knew what God wanted them to do and they went their own way. They knew they were being disobedient and they missed out on something greater. I wonder how many times we make excuses for ourselves. I wonder how many times we know what God wants from us and fail to do it. I wonder what divine interventions we have missed out on from avoiding God when He spoke to us. Following through with our own plans may enable us to feel temporary satisfaction; however, it strengthens the bondage of disobedience and directs us away from the benefits God’s plans.

Captive to Unbelief
We can be held captive to unbelief. Let’s take a look at a father who desperately talks to Jesus about his son that needed healing in Mark 9: 21-23. He tells Jesus “but if you can do anything, take pity on us and help us.” Did he just give Jesus an “if” statement? Sound familiar to any of your circumstances? If you can heal my son. If you can break this bondage. If you can introduce me to the right girl or guy. If you can end this addiction. If you can help me through this time. If you can rid me of my financial burdens. If you can help me find a job. Have you ever, like this father in Mark, given God an “if” statement? Have you ever been held captive to your unbelief? Jesus replies, “If you can? Everything is possible for him who believes.” The father then exclaims “I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!” It can be hard to fully believe God in our circumstances. Unbelief can keep us from experiencing freedom in Christ and it can greatly affect our spiritual walk with Jesus.

Captivity is something that every believer encounters. Captivity can be deeply routed in us and can rear its head in every aspect of our lives BUT captivity is not God’s will for your life! Take a look at the areas of your life that you are held captive in. Maybe you have more than one. Maybe you don’t know how to start dealing with it. Maybe you are discouraged from starting the healing process. Can I tell you something? I’ve felt strong bonds of captivity in my life that held me back from Christ for years. So, I spent hours in prayer, reflection, worship, and in the Word of God. I begged Jesus, like the father in Mark, to help me overcome my unbelief and my other areas of bondage. Slowly, he has shown me liberty in Him. You are beloved. You are valuable. You are beautiful. You are a child of God. You are his chosen instrument. You have the opportunity to be free! God’s plans for you do not involve you being in any area of captivity so tap into the freedom He has for you! You won’t be disappointed.

The Bible Revealed

It seriously amazes me to think about God’s word. HIS word. HIS thoughts. HIS stories. HIS ideas. HIS creation. HIS book dedicated to revealing, teaching, guiding, and correcting us, so that we may become more like the people He has called us to be. Let me explain to you some of the intricacies of the Bible that I have learned on my relentless pursuit to understanding HIS word.

The Bible is 66 books written by 44 authors in 3 different languages covering 3 continents. Somehow, all of that combined to give us 1 message!

The Bible is banned in 51 countries. Can you imagine the kind of power this book must contain in order for it to be banned in 51 countries? Their fear of God is admirable.

The center verse of the Bible is Psalm 118:8 “It is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in man.” There are exactly 594 verses before it and 594 verses after it. If you add 594 with 594 you get 1188 which is where the verse is found, Psalm 118:8.

John 3:16 says “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only son.” Let’s take a look at the word “loved” in this verse. I think you’ll find an interesting parallel. If we trace back the word “love” we will find that the first time it was used in the Bible was in Genesis 22:2  “Then God said, “Take your son, your only son, whom you love—Isaac—and go to the region of Moriah. Sacrifice him there as a burnt offering on a mountain I will show you.” Did you catch that? “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only son.” “Take your son, your only son, whom you love....sacrifice him” There is a parallel here of God sacrificing His son for us and Abraham sacrificing his son for God. I have a really hard time believing this to be a coincidence, a matter of fate, a man made creation.

How often do we view the Bible as sacred? How often do we take this sacred book with us wherever we go? How often do we look at this book? How often do we share it with others? How often do we see God’s word for what it is--beautiful, intricate, holy, magnificent, ancient (yet timeless), perfect, and sacred. God’s word is immeasurably powerful. You have a few choices. You can put Christ in a box, limit Him, and say it is all a coincidence. Or, you can acknowledge its beauty, submit yourself to His influence, and delve into HIS word.

I want to leave you with a powerful excerpt I once read about God’s word. “When you read your Bible, receive and savor it like a love letter from God to you. Remember, you’re reading in order to meet someone. Ponder what you have read, and apply it to your present circumstances. Let it go down into the core of your being. And as you read, expect Him to commune with you.”

In Bondage

I’ve tried to be intentional in asking God everyday to do a work in me, to illuminate the areas of my life that need work, and to reveal himself to me continuously. The more I ask for these things the more I am humbled; however, I’ve realized how much my past hurt hinders my relentless pursuit. I have discovered how much I am still in bondage; I’m a slave to fear, worry, and anger.

In making this discovery, I knew that in order to successfully live out my relentless pursuit I needed to humble myself before the Lord and ask for healing. I have been through and seen more than most teenagers and it is time for me to acknowledge it is more than I can handle on my own.

How relentlessly could I be pursuing my savior if I wasn’t willing to trust Him to handle ALL parts of my life? How could I encourage people to be “souled out” for Christ if I was still carrying around anger? I am giving my past to Christ. I am humbly coming before Him asking Him to heal me. I am ready to deal with some painful parts of my life and rid myself of them! I am praising God because He is more than capable of healing me and He is more than capable of healing you too.

What are you carrying? What is holding you down? Maybe you are feeling the same way. Maybe there are parts of your life that you are angry with God about. Maybe there are things from your past that you carry around every single day. Maybe you are tired of being burdened. Maybe you are ready to claim Galatians 5:1 over your life. “It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.” In one of Beth Moore’s studies she asks readers to make liberty in Christ a reality in your life. How powerful is that? Christ wants us to have liberty in Him. Christ wants to free you of whatever you are held slave to. The hard part is that you have to let Him. You have to risk opening up painful parts of your life so that he can completely take them away. You have to risk encountering tough emotions so that you can experience a new freedom in Christ! When you ask God to heal you and free you of your burdens he will. He can make you whole again. While it might take a lot of time, I promise you that if you seek Christ in the hardest times of your life you will feel his comforting hand in the end. You will be able to say “I sought the Lord, and he answered me, he delivered me from all my fears.” Psalm 34:4 Claim that for your life!

Hey Satan, I've got news for you.

Have you ever felt that high of being in the presence of God? Have you ever heard Him in times of worship? Have you ever seen Him in nature? Have you ever felt Him holding you in the palms of His hands? I have experienced God in ways that I never would have imagined. If you are passionately living your life on a pursuit for Christ, you will experience Him too. You will know without a doubt that whatever you experience was because of Him.

Unfortunately, Satan is going to be on his own pursuit for your life. For every plan Christ has for you, Satan has one too. For every perfect path God has set aside for you, Satan has developed his own to counteract it. The more you seek after Christ in your own relentless pursuit, the more Satan will try to bring you down. Without a doubt the hardest thing about my relentless pursuit, so far, has been feeling the presence of Satan  so strongly in my life. I could feel him all around me. I felt weak. I felt like my strongholds were taking over. I felt the presence of a powerful being that had me down for a long time. It had me distracted. It had me feeling completely defeated.

Then I remembered exactly how powerful Satan really is. I remembered that he has already lost. I remembered that my Savior has already defeated him. I have this very stubborn part of me that so desperately wants to let Satan down. I would like to think that every single time I wake up in the morning and set my feet on the ground, he scrambles and screams “she’s awakeeeee!!!” How awesome would it be to know that your alliance with Christ was so strong that Satan shook every time you woke up in the mornings? How awesome would it be to know that you were so relentlessly pursuing Christ that Satan felt the desire to throw everything he could at you to stop you?

I hope that you remember that Christ has YOUR name written on the palms of his hands. He has already defeated Satan for you....so live for your savior. Remember that any time you feel Satan’s presence it must be because he is so intimidated of the plans Christ has for you. Believe me, Christ has some big plans for you! Don’t let anything stop you for claiming what is set apart for you!

Check out the rest of my pictures at www.facebook.com/emilymichellephotos "Capturing the world through His eyes."

2+2=5

“Teenagers: move out, get a job, pay your own bills while you still know everything.”
I saw a sign last week with this text on it and it really resonated with me. I guess there is a part of the seventeen year old in me that can see more value in my own opinions than those of others. I think I’m right, but one of the first lessons I’ve learned in my relentless pursuit is that I’m not. When I begin to trust in my own plans above the plans of my Savior I can really be missing out on a lot of good that God has planned for me. It can really get dangerous when I start to value my own ideas and plans more than the “good, pleasing and perfect will” of God (Romans 12:2)

I can remember a time when I was younger that I would argue with my mom about the exception of the math problem 2+2. I was so convinced that sometimes those numbers added together for a total of 5. There was no telling me otherwise; I just knew that two plus two could sometimes equal five. I would seriously be so angry and frustrated that she did not see how absolutely correct I was in my divine revelation that 2 + 2 equaled 5!

Situations in our lives work a lot like the 2 + 2 math problem. I would see the problem (2) develop my own solution (+2) and always fall short of the correct answer (=5). I would form my own opinion (2) trust in my plan to succeed (+2) and forget that I need to trust God to provide (=5). In raising money for my brother’s treatments I would trust in myself and my family to get him where he needed to be (2+2=5) I would doubt and question God’s plan and timing and decide to act on my own ideas (2+2=5) It wasn’t until we lifted up that financial burden and gave it to Him before he opened our eyes to the correct answer (4) and showed us what he had in mind all along (2+2=4). We trusted God to provide and now Ryan’s first round of treatments this summer are covered (2+2=4).

God is teaching me in my relentless pursuit that I need to learn to trust him and take myself out of the equation. I need to submit myself to the advice of others. I need to humble myself before him and acknowledge that any direction he has me going in is far better than the direction I would choose for myself. God is teaching me that 2+2=4.

Welcome to my Relentless Pursuit

Let me start by saying I have no idea what I am doing here on blogspot; however, I have become so enthralled by the concept of a relentless pursuit that I feel led to write about my journey, my life, my relentless pursuit to be all that God has made me to be. Do you have any idea how much God loves you? Whoever you are, wherever you've been, whatever you've done, He loves you with a love that is unrivaled by anything else of this world. He so strongly desires a one on one, intimate, personal relationship with you. He continually pursues you Are you on a pursuit for Him? Are you relentlessly living a life that honors the person who made you all that you are? I'm not sure what this blog will turn into. I'm not sure how many people will read or even care about this blog; however, I feel that my journey on this relentless pursuit for my savior has led me here. I feel that God is asking me to share with you the ups and downs of trying to live a relentless pursuit. He asking me to be real with you. No cookie-cutter nonsense, no happily ever after, no ending this blog in warm fuzzy feelings, because the truth is the day you turn to Jesus and acknowledge Him as your savior is the day you accept your relentless pursuit. It is the day you decide that the least you could do for the person who is giving you breath right now is live for him. Prepare for things to get real. Prepare for things to be raw. Prepare for God to challenge you and encourage you in your own pursuit. I would like to welcome you to my relentless pursuit...