My Diagnosis Of MS

“The orange rolled under the carburetor with a fork inside of it,” is what the doctor may as well have said on the day she pointed out the lesions in my brain from my MRI. I’m sure I remember very little of what she told me. Other days, I’m sure I remember every single word of that painful conversation. As a nursing major, I absolutely love science. I’m consumed by it daily and I’m fascinated. I love understanding how the heart pumps blood to the body, how our muscles contract to move us forward, how the brain sends thousands upon thousands of messages daily to keep us alive, etc. Its enthralling to me. After all, I’m the girl that identifies the blood pressure cuff by its proper name, the sphygmomanometer. ;) However, on the day of my diagnosis nothing seemed certain or understandable to me. 

Last month, I was diagnosed with a demyelinating disease called Multiple Sclerosis (MS). The process of confirming the diagnosis and my type of MS is only at the beginning stages. I want to explain briefly what Multiple Sclerosis does in the human body. Our bodies have nerves that send messages from the brain to the body and from the body to the brain. They have been given a protective outer covering called the myelin sheath. For reasons unknown, my body identifies the myelin in my brain as a foreign invader. Because of this error, it attacks the myelin. This attack causes inflammation and damage throughout the brain, disrupting the communication system. This happened first to the myelin surrounding my optic nerve. I woke up barely able to see out of my right eye. My first course of treatment reduced the inflammation and my vision is almost 100% in my right eye once again. A few days later my legs started stiffening on their own and sharp pain radiated all throughout my spine. Symptoms vary greatly from person to person and there is no cure for this disease right now. 

I have been overwhelmed to tears by the kindness of everyone in my life. I feel frustrated at my inability to put my thankfulness into words that would match the magnitude to which I feel thankful. “Thank you,” seems so small. It is beautiful how a community of family and friends comes together as one team when someone is hurting. Conversely, I’ve noticed how uncomfortable people are with emotions. I’m consistently asked how I am doing. I’m delighted to be on their mind but nervous that I will disappoint them. Their eyes are beaming eagerly in anticipation that I will say, “Fantastic!” They seem deflated when I say, “not great” or “its hard,” etc. They want me to be doing better, feeling great, cartwheeling around Columbia, etc. There are many days when I do feel that way! There are also the bad days. Both types of days are equally necessary and valuable. It is hard for us to remember that bad days are vital. It is hard for us to accept the rough seasons. When I’m honest and say that I’m having a bad day, people typically grow longwinded in their attempt to convince me to feel another emotion. I grew tired of this, honestly. Sometimes, to make things easier for myself and for others, I say that things are great when they aren’t. When I respond deceptively in this way, I’m praised and rewarded for being strong and loving the Lord. Which answer was stronger? Can I not be equally strong and equally in love with the Lord during any emotion? Can I not be honest with the Lord and call out to him in my distress and remain close as his daughter? Through this trial, I’ve learned what it means to be strong in my weakness. (2 Corinthians 12) When I admit to God and others how I am truly feeling, I feel the most strength. When I acknowledge my weakness, doubt, frustrating, pain, etc. to the Lord, he listens, encourages, strengthens, etc. I think it was one of those “Jenga!” kind of moments for me. I can finally understand what it means to have strength in weakness. There is a beautiful genuineness when you can be honest about how you’re feeling. I think this applies to our community as well. What if when we were honest with each another about our bad days, our community could come together to strengthen that person? We don’t have to make them feel happy instead. We don’t have to explain reasons why they no longer have to be sad. We could just come together. 

I think the real root of this issue is a lack of appreciation for the season of grief. Who hasn’t struggled to appreciate the bad days a time or two? There will be a time when God will use this disease to help me be a better nurse to my patients. There will be a time when the shock of this news doesn’t seem so fresh. I cannot wait for that time to arrive! My mind is confident that God is good and that these times will arrive. Ecclesiastes 3 tells us there is a time for everything including weeping, mourning, and searching. Right now is my time to seek answers, cry, and let myself process and verbalize my real emotions. It is healthy, necessary, and needed for me to have this time. Ecclesiastes 3 goes on to say, “He has made everything beautiful in its time.” God is using this time in my life. Eventually it will be my time to dance. It will be the most glorious and uncoordinated dance of my life! Eventually it will be my time to laugh. It will be the most uninhibited laugh you’ve ever heard! Can you imagine how anticlimactic and measly my dancing and laughing would be had I never experienced a bad day? 

Throughout my summers growing up on a cul-de-sac, I got to hear the beautiful music composed by our local ice cream truck. Upon hearing this musical masterpiece, the neighborhood kids and I would quickly gather our parent’s money and run towards the sound. Sometimes we couldn’t run or collect money fast enough and the ice cream truck was gone. Sometimes the driver would see a dozen of us running towards him and we would get the world’s best ice cream and snow cones! Our brains would freeze, our tongues would change color, and our hearts would revel at the win of the day. We would strut around the neighborhood with such confidence for hours. Why? Because we knew what it was like to miss the ice cream truck. We knew what it was like to be completely set on a win and be devastated by a loss. Our celebrations were massive because our time of joy was seen through the lens of our times of trials past. How much more valuable are our times of dancing and laughing when we think back on all of the things God has brought us through and delivered us from. I experience a dozen emotions a day. Sometimes positive and sometimes negative. I’m thankful for every single emotion because I know what it’s like to miss the ice cream truck. So, I want to be honest in my emotions, good or bad. I want to be transparent about the struggle and/or win of the day. I want to be the wife that can dance at the achievements of her husband. I want to be the friend that can listen patiently to the heartbreaks of her besties. I want to be the nurse that cries with her patients on diagnosis day and runs laps around the halls on recovery days. In order for me to be this person, I must appreciate and experience all of the ‘times’ that God gives us. We can no longer inhibit each other from what God is enabling us to feel. God is using each season in our lives. A day is coming soon when our brains will freeze, our tongues will change color, and our hearts will revel at the win of the day. 

The Pain of Prayer

A pang of grief and weakness swell over my puffy red eyes. My dry hands fold in with tiredness from being held open towards God. My throat, radiating the desire of thirst, begs to rest. My voice is unintelligible to human ears; its tone laced with frustration, confusion, and exhaustion. For the first time since much time has passed, I've allowed myself to pray for my brother's healing. To be in a stage of waiting and wondering can be a ripe moment of torture and of bliss. I find myself relating to David as he calls out in Psalm 69:1-3,

"Save me, O God! For the waters have come up to my neck. I sink in deep mire, where there is no foothold; I have come into deep waters, and the flood sweeps over me. I am weary with my crying out; my throat is parched. My eyes grow dim with waiting for my God."

A couple of months ago, I had this experience of prayer in the living room of my house. My phone was silenced in another room, I was alone, and outside the rain poured softly. A youtube video was sent to me describing the healing of a young boy with a rare illness. My heart felt vulnerable and before I knew it I was calling out to God through waves of tears. At first, I praised God for the sweet moments my brother and I have shared in learning about the solar system and completing the summer reading challenge. With what felt like the same breath, I questioned God on his decision making. I doubted God...his existence, his love for me, his ability to provide, etc. I sang to God, in shameful relinquishment, reminding myself of the times I know he has unceasingly provided for me and loved me.

Honestly and shyly, I will tell you that I had stopped praying for my brother. Still, I was one of his biggest activists. Still, I sought to see him grow and played my role in that growth in whatever way I could. Still, my heart was warmed with love for him. Yet, that warmth ran cold when it came to discussing my hurts with God. People have both blindly promised Ryan's healing to me and discussed impolitely my need to consider that it may never happen at all. Both perspectives have been discouraging to me at times. I felt guilty if I wasn't confident of his healing and I felt guilty if I was too confident of it. Being uncomfortable at each extreme, I had drifted into the decision to stop praying for healing all together. There was never a definitive moment when I declared this change of heart. Rather, it was a slow and very subtle change in direction; this change went unnoticed until I was completely broken down in my house, alone, on a rainy November afternoon.

Have you ever seen an infant try to speak? Their concentrated eyes are compelling, their breathing is slowed and controlled, their eyebrows tighten, and their tiny minds race to discover how to turn thoughts to words. It is one of the greatest challenges they've experienced in their short lifetimes. It is a skill unmastered. The reward; however, is beautiful. With all the strength within them they speak out, "dada" or "mama." Or, "banker"...I'm convinced that was my brother's first word. Now, have you ever seen a parent reacting to their babies first words? They are completely undignified in their excitement. Thrilled and proud beyond measure of their baby girl or baby boy. Parents are elated with not only that first word but the promise of what that word means. The promise of deeper and deeper communication that lies ahead, the promise of growth in their sweet loved one, the promise of relationship.

I began to pray again that afternoon. As my mouth began to speak the thoughts I had held back for many years, my heart simultaneously rioted to keep these thoughts private. It was absolutely the most difficult conversation I have had with God. Like an infant learning to speak, I felt so concentrated and stunned by my new challenge. To start that conversation with God felt so painful; however, that's not how it ended. By the time I finished praying, my cheeks were red and my eyes stung but I felt undone and that was beautiful to me. I finally felt freed from the burden of hiding my pain from God. I like to imagine that God looked at me in that painful moment of a new beginning like a parent looks at their infant after speaking their first word. That conversation I had with God on a November afternoon, created treasured promises. A promise of deeper communication, growth, and relationship.

In Psalm 69, David cried out in anguish. He felt like he was drowning. He painfully shared his thoughts with God and he, too, became beautifully undone. He calls out, "The Lord hears the needy and does not despise his captive people. Let heaven and earth praise him.."  

The Uncommon Fire

"So Moses thought, 'I will go over and see this strange sight—why the bush does not burn up.' " Exodus 3:3


Ah, the story of the burning bush. Fires were not uncommon during biblical times. The fire itself was not a strange sight to Moses. It was the fact that the bush wasn't burning up. Can you imagine what that may have looked like? Can you imagine driving past a house fully in tact with every inch of the house engulfed with flames? My guess is that if I saw that house I would stop, like Moses, and study the strange sight. 


As we read more of this story, we see Moses respond as he learns that God is the fire that doesn't burn up the bush. Lets think about a common fire. These are the types of fires that illuminate forests and leave behind a string of smoke as it floats off the remnants of the beauty that used to stand there. These are the types of fires that have the ability to transform a green and vibrant tree into a pile of blackness, in a matter of seconds. These are the types of fires that remind those watching of the power of their deep red and orange flames. 

There are also fires that burn us up from the inside out. Fires like lust, rage, and greed; these passions can entirely consume us and destroy the people that we used to be as well as the goals and hopes we used to have. Similar to physical fires, destruction can take place in the blink of an eye. "God is the only fire that can consume an object without completely destroying it." I read that quote a couple of weeks ago and it had my mind reeling in so many different directions as I thought about the fire of God compared to the fire of man. Lust enters with a quick glance. Suddenly, thoughts start to change and boundaries begin to shift. Eventually, as you keep fueling this fire, ultimate destruction happens. This destruction could mean the end of a marriage, wounds from abuse, or the choice of abortion. A fire that lasts seconds means years of rebuilding and counseling.

In contrast, the fire of God completely covers but leaves the person in tact. How beautiful! All of those passions like lust and rage feed off of us. Have you ever just been tired of being angry or tired of trying to present yourself in a certain way? It can be the most draining experience! It is a fire that depletes us of strength and fight. God; however, is the fire that replenishes us! The fire that makes the ground we stand on solid! The fire that lifts us up when someone knocks us down. Instead of being drained in his presence, I find myself craving time with him when I feel drained. I go to him and he fills me up. I go to rage and it rips me apart. This teaches something that is really important. God is the fire that doesn't demand something of us. In fact, he lavishes promise after promise upon us! If I choose to not be angry then I prevent myself from being given over to the passion of rage. As difficult and as tempting as life can be we still have the ability to make a choice. We have the ability to surround ourselves in the fire of God. It is a fire that will completely cover you, will never destroy you, and will never begin to feed off of you. Another beautiful thing about the fire of God is that nothing can come close to it! Remember as Moses got closer to the bush, the Lord told him to not come any closer because he was on holy ground. If we find ourselves resting in the presence of God then those passions like lust, greed, or rage cannot get close to you. Temptations will come and mistakes will happen but every time we find ourselves abandoned and left in the rubble of a fire that used us, we will always have the option of turning to God so that he can start to put the pieces back together. That is a fire and strange sight that we can find ourselves studying and observing for the rest of our lives!

An Anxious Heart Revised

If only I could see where God would lead me in the six months following my last blog post. Reading it over again I see God at work all through this past December preparing my heart for the things to come. I was forced to look over my words which, at the time, were written with full belief and conviction. Reading over them a second time six months later it is as if I am reading the words of someone else. The past several months have been filled with great love, revelation, and excitement most of which have come out of great panic, stress, and worry. At age ten I experienced my first panic attack. I would find myself nearly a decade later experiencing them again during my freshman year of college.
I know what it means to love God with all of your strength. For me, it has meant loving God when my world is falling apart and choosing to see joy in him when my eyes sting from tears from the day before. There is one specific night that I call to my mind when I see how sometimes it takes great strength to love. A few months ago at the height of my anxiety I found myself suddenly awake in the middle of the night with panic. The days before were filled with stress and worry. I ran out of my dorm to the end of my hall where I threw up in the bathroom for what felt like forever. It was a combination of fear and exhaustion. All the while, Satan is pouring lies upon lies on me while I try to cling to the promises of God. Waking up the next morning preparing for my 8am class was a day I had to choose to love God with all my strength. It took everything inside of me to say yes to the call of God to live that day with purpose and joy. I must admit; however, there were days I said no. Sometimes we must choose God even when we don't feel him. The beauty of choosing when we don't feel is that his faithfulness to us always ignites a believing heart in us once again.
There have been many exciting things that God is revealing to my heart and six months worth of highs and lows that I wish to write about. I felt that it was important to re-visit the topic of anxiety and share more of my freedom in this area as well as sharing more of my struggle.
After the height of panic attacks that woke me up from sleep there was a still. A stillness that I praised the Lord for. It was a season of mending and growing. I've finished my first year of college and now I am home for a break I longed for all second semester. The still ended a week or so again when I had another panic attack. Unexpected as I suppose they all are but this one was different. I felt this darkness around me and I just heard Satan telling me lie after lie. Telling me that God wouldn't use my life or my story. Telling me that I couldn't even be sure of my salvation and that I had lied about everything I'd been freed from. Now, you must understand the irony of this lie. I attend a Bible school where I spent the last year of my life learning verse and verse and hearing dozens of stories of people who found assurance of their security in Christ. I knew the verses and I hadn't ever struggled in this specific way before. It was completely out of no where and somehow all of those verses slipped my mind. The night ended in a rattled heart and mind and a spirit that seemed to lack the strength it once had. Two nights later I was reading in Job and God renewed my strength again. Job 1: 12 says "The Lord said to Satan, “Very well, then, everything he [Job] has is in your power, but on the man himself do not lay a finger.” Suddenly, I felt the Lord speaking to me very personally. He was reminding me how little Satan's power is. I am safely resting in the presence of the Lord and I am; therefore, untouchable by Satan. Satan may hold the small things that I have but over me personally he holds no control. His power is already lost. I had this visual and hope in the fact that Job was being held by the creator even when he lost his servants, his property, and his family. He felt the world crumbling around him but he was held still and safely by the hand of the Lord. The same is true for all of God's children. Now when that darkness enters or I am hit with a lie I hear the voice of the Lord saying, "on the women herself you do not lay a finger." 
My hope and prayer is that this verse strikes you in a different way today. Especially if fear or anxiety is your struggle as well. This is an area that God is still working to heal me in. He is so patient and gentle. My addition onto my last post would be to love God even if it means loving him with all your strength. Once you're depleted something beautiful happens. The Lord takes over and we stand victorious because of his power. Additionally, sometimes we are taken to those depleted states because once we are victorious we can't help but give all of the praise and glory to him. Anxiety was definitely a struggle for me when I wrote my last post but it had never overcome me like it has before. Now, through the power of Christ I can stand confident in standing by my words written six months ago. God never changed from that post until this one but, oh my goodness, has my view of him!

An Anxious Heart

    40 million adults in the United States have been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder, making it the most common mental illness in our country. That is 18% of our entire population! Talk about a huge capitalization and market range for Satan to begin his work! It is the man trying to bury himself in a newspaper while riding a metro. It is the woman crying from her desk because she is so overwhelmed. It is the child slitting their wrists in the school bathroom. It is 40 million of our brothers and sisters. It is even the writer of this blog. While there are people who probably are in need of medication and treatment, I believe that my anxiety is an issue of the heart not a depravation or imbalance of any chemical. I believe that my anxiety is a sin and not a condition. Maybe you will be able to relate.

    Our society has gone to great lengths to convince us that every struggle or trial, resulting in anxiety, is a condition that needs to be managed. Because we live in a sinful world there will always be things we can choose to be anxious about. In contrast, because God never changes and is always good there will be things that we can choose to rejoice over. So, lets play a round of ‘sin or condition?’. If you choose condition you will have to carry the weight of your anxiety. You will have to figure out how to manage it all on your own, day in and day out. You will be dependent on your own abilities. For the rest of your life you will live in fear and frustration in trying to deal with this issue finding yourself always falling short. Now, lets say that you decide to go with sin instead. If anxiety is a sin in your life then Jesus has already paid for it. Instead of working to manage and treat it like a condition, you can destroy it because Christ has overcome sin! You can turn to the hope and peace in God’s word on days that seem to be more difficult. For the rest of your life you will have the victory, the peace, the security, and the freedom because of the work of your savior. You can choose how you will respond to life’s hardships. You can choose to look at your circumstances in light of your own abilities or in light of the work that Jesus has finished. “Some people think anxiety is a condition to be managed but it is really a sin to be repentant of.”

    I don’t want to make this seem like an easy thing to conquer. If you struggle with being anxious, and we all do in certain times in our lives, then you need to know that it will be a challenge. It will be a temptation to pick up the weight again. This hits me right in the heart. I had convinced myself that my trials and my pain had given me the right to be anxious. I believed that my anxiety was a condition. It is something that I will need to be habitually repentant of. This doesn’t mean abusing God’s grace as an excuse to fall back into sin. It means that in temptation and in trials I will fall short of what I am supposed to do but I can maintain hope because our God is merciful. It means that I will live a life striving after God knowing that when I stray I can turn back to him in a state of forgiveness. Habitual repentance is not an excuse to sin. Rather, it is a humility and confidence in Christ. Start by reminding yourself that you are undeserving and incredibly small, and when temptation starts remind Satan that inside of you is his own defeat because of Christ’s work. I encourage you to spend some time with Christ on this issue. Read through Philippians 4:4-13 (see below) and allow God to convict your heart, challenge you to greater things, and grant you a life of peace in him. Read through it several times and focus on each verse specifically. God will speak to you! Drop self pity, anxiety, fear and run to him in repentance.

Philippians 4:4-13  4 Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! 5 Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. 6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. 8 Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. 9 Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you. 10 I rejoiced greatly in the Lord that at last you renewed your concern for me. Indeed, you were concerned, but you had no opportunity to show it. 11 I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. 12 I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. 13 I can do all this through him who gives me strength.

Return to me, Beloved.

As humans, we are so quick to claim everything as our own. We get so caught up in feeling sorry for ourselves that we forget the redemption we were given at the cross!

God sends us his son to die. We complain about going through trials.

Jesus takes on all of our sin so that we can experience freedom. We complain about not having the right job.

God promises us redemption and new life! We get complacent in growing to know Him.

God delivers us from a season of hardship! We get prideful and call the healing our own and forget our need for him.

How quickly I forget what was done, what is being done, and what is promised for those who are faithful to God. What a blessing it is that we serve a God who is continually waiting for our return. Joel 2:13 encourages us to “Return to the Lord your God, for he is gracious and compassionate.” Praise God!

I fall into sin and he whispers, “Return to me, Beloved.” I get prideful and he whispers, “Return to me, Beloved.” I stop trusting him and he whispers, “Return to me, Beloved.” I fear the future and he whispers, “Return to me, Beloved.” I surrender my will, my fears, my doubts, and my insecurities to Him and he whispers, “I’ve missed you, Beloved.” What beauty there is in knowing that he will waiting for us always.

In our pride we can demand God to deliver us out of hardship and not want to give up anything ourselves. In order for God to bless you, his child, you have to act! In order for you to feel at peace in your current situation you have to turn to Him. He would fight for you if you would be faithful to Him. He would forgive you if you would humble yourself to Him. He would overwhelm you with His love if you would seek Him wholeheartedly. He will! Would you? He is waiting! Would you make the necessary changes to seek him and put the world aside? I think if you would listen you would hear his whisper, “Return to me, Beloved.”

Can't You Just Be With Me?

    Let me invite you to join in a scene that is taking place in my head as I type. Imagine a couple on their wedding anniversary enjoying a candlelit dinner in the town’s nicest restaurant. They don’t need music or entertainment; the pure enjoyment of each others company is enough to occupy the evening. There is no denying her love for him nor denying his love for her. Now, imagine the beautiful young bride looks to her groom and says, “I’ve really enjoyed this time with you but I have another date to go to in about 30 minutes.” He replies, “What?” She reassures him that “You are still my favorite and my number one but when this is over I am going to go out on another date.” Now, I would like you to come up with your own most creative response on the groom’s side; however, I have no doubt that all of your imagined responses go something like “I don’t think so.”

    How many times do we treat Christ like the bride treated her groom? Just like the groom would not have been okay with his new wife making him one of many men in her life, Christ is NOT okay with us making him one of many in our lives. How insulting to the creator of all things! Sometimes there can be no denying our love for Christ. When people look at our lives and our actions they could see someone who desperately wants to glorify God; however, if they really looked at your heart they might see that it does, in fact, have a section devoted to Christ along with another section devoted to money, a third section devoted to our careers, and a fourth section devoted to strongholds, etc. How does your heart really look? Does it make God one of many things in your life? Or maybe God is at the top of your heart but you still can’t let go of the rest. Or maybe you could say with absolute confidence that all of who you are and your entire heart belongs to Christ. You see, God doesn’t want to be one of many things in your life. Nor does he even want to be your number one in a list of things and people you love and hold onto. He wants to be everything in your life. He wants you to give up every worldly possession, relationship, and habit. He wants all of your heart. He created you to live for Him. He created you to carry His name in all that you do. It’s interesting how He created us to be His and we can struggle to find time to fit Him in each day of our busy lives.

    Would you take a minute and consider what your heart really looks like? How deeply would your heart reflect your love for Christ? What does your heart say about you? I imagine that, like many Christians, you have some readjusting to do. Would you really let go if he asked you to give until it hurt? Or, would you look at him and say, “I love you. You are my number one. You are still my favorite but I’m going to hold onto this part of my life too.” I think it is time to pause every part of your life that doesn’t glorify God and ask God to occupy your whole heart. Christ is asking you right now, “Can’t you just be with me?”