If only I could see where God would lead me in the six months following my last blog post. Reading it over again I see God at work all through this past December preparing my heart for the things to come. I was forced to look over my words which, at the time, were written with full belief and conviction. Reading over them a second time six months later it is as if I am reading the words of someone else. The past several months have been filled with great love, revelation, and excitement most of which have come out of great panic, stress, and worry. At age ten I experienced my first panic attack. I would find myself nearly a decade later experiencing them again during my freshman year of college.
I know what it means to love God with all of your strength. For me, it has meant loving God when my world is falling apart and choosing to see joy in him when my eyes sting from tears from the day before. There is one specific night that I call to my mind when I see how sometimes it takes great strength to love. A few months ago at the height of my anxiety I found myself suddenly awake in the middle of the night with panic. The days before were filled with stress and worry. I ran out of my dorm to the end of my hall where I threw up in the bathroom for what felt like forever. It was a combination of fear and exhaustion. All the while, Satan is pouring lies upon lies on me while I try to cling to the promises of God. Waking up the next morning preparing for my 8am class was a day I had to choose to love God with all my strength. It took everything inside of me to say yes to the call of God to live that day with purpose and joy. I must admit; however, there were days I said no. Sometimes we must choose God even when we don't feel him. The beauty of choosing when we don't feel is that his faithfulness to us always ignites a believing heart in us once again.
There have been many exciting things that God is revealing to my heart and six months worth of highs and lows that I wish to write about. I felt that it was important to re-visit the topic of anxiety and share more of my freedom in this area as well as sharing more of my struggle.
After the height of panic attacks that woke me up from sleep there was a still. A stillness that I praised the Lord for. It was a season of mending and growing. I've finished my first year of college and now I am home for a break I longed for all second semester. The still ended a week or so again when I had another panic attack. Unexpected as I suppose they all are but this one was different. I felt this darkness around me and I just heard Satan telling me lie after lie. Telling me that God wouldn't use my life or my story. Telling me that I couldn't even be sure of my salvation and that I had lied about everything I'd been freed from. Now, you must understand the irony of this lie. I attend a Bible school where I spent the last year of my life learning verse and verse and hearing dozens of stories of people who found assurance of their security in Christ. I knew the verses and I hadn't ever struggled in this specific way before. It was completely out of no where and somehow all of those verses slipped my mind. The night ended in a rattled heart and mind and a spirit that seemed to lack the strength it once had. Two nights later I was reading in Job and God renewed my strength again. Job 1: 12 says "The Lord said to Satan, “Very well, then, everything he [Job] has is in your power, but on the man himself do not lay a finger.” Suddenly, I felt the Lord speaking to me very personally. He was reminding me how little Satan's power is. I am safely resting in the presence of the Lord and I am; therefore, untouchable by Satan. Satan may hold the small things that I have but over me personally he holds no control. His power is already lost. I had this visual and hope in the fact that Job was being held by the creator even when he lost his servants, his property, and his family. He felt the world crumbling around him but he was held still and safely by the hand of the Lord. The same is true for all of God's children. Now when that darkness enters or I am hit with a lie I hear the voice of the Lord saying, "on the women herself you do not lay a finger."
My hope and prayer is that this verse strikes you in a different way today. Especially if fear or anxiety is your struggle as well. This is an area that God is still working to heal me in. He is so patient and gentle. My addition onto my last post would be to love God even if it means loving him with all your strength. Once you're depleted something beautiful happens. The Lord takes over and we stand victorious because of his power. Additionally, sometimes we are taken to those depleted states because once we are victorious we can't help but give all of the praise and glory to him. Anxiety was definitely a struggle for me when I wrote my last post but it had never overcome me like it has before. Now, through the power of Christ I can stand confident in standing by my words written six months ago. God never changed from that post until this one but, oh my goodness, has my view of him!
